I’m generally not a person who is lost for words – articulating how I feel in writing has long been an effective strategy for coping – for me.
But I feel unable to adequately describe the impact that these little souls entrusted to our care along with their Mums have on us and the total devastation we feel when we lose them.
I’m totally overwhelmed with tiredness, sadness and grief, confusion, helplessness, guilt, disappointment and have a leaden weight in my heart and my soul.
Losing Gracie’s babies was awful. Having the same thing happen with Shayla’s babies is unbearable.
They are so tiny, so fragile – but from the very beginning – you can see the puppies they might be.
Caile wasn’t just a newborn pup – she was a character – she would have been beautiful like her Mum and she would have been so funny!
Kirryn was going to be a sook – and a cuddle bum just like his Dad.
Gracie’s puppy Eddie was going to be a boofy little bloke – rough and tumble and into all sorts of mischief and Bettsie was going to be sweet and loving and attach herself strongly to one special person.
None of them have lived to fulfil that potential- to live the lives they should have had – and I just don’t understand why. Why? It just echoes over and over in my head – what did we do wrong? What didn’t we do? Why? I feel inadequate and inept.
I didn’t want memorial markers and pretty roses in my garden- I wanted beautiful healthy, happy pups living the life they should have had and adored by special families.
I’m writing this – not because I want sympathy for me – but because even though they were here for such a short time – their little lives mattered. They were real, we held them, we loved them, we prayed (so hard) for them and we’ve cried bucket loads of tears each about the lives they should have had – but that were cut so cruelly short.
They weren’t just newborn puppies they were baby dogs- and we are incredibly sad and sorry that somehow we failed them and we failed their Mums.
Frolic free Little Caile.